You Sent Me the Weirdest Request

You're a musician/by-product of country music. You sent me a friend request on myspace (which  is my virtual filing cabinet for bands, I don't friend normal people) and it had the fucking weirdest message attached:

"Howdy lil miss lady moonlight with an angel dust face"- ANGEL DUST FACE??!?!? WWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT??? I think you got the wrong girl here, see, I'm LEGAL.

I just wanted to dedicate my ocean scene country love song #2 "Picture This" to You! - GREAT, AFTERWARDS CAN YOU VOMIT ON MY FACE!!?

his name here~:)" - What is this dopey emoticon?? What is the SQUIGGLE? A mustache? A single strand of hair falling delicately across your face? I don't know, and I don't think I like what it impliez. 

If you see this, your song was as crappy as the morning dew that glistens on fresh droppings lain down by yonder grasshopper. 

Please, PLEASE enjoy, this ones on me. 

http://www.myspace.com/textronictroubadours

Twitter Timez

Follow me at drankzandjokez if you're so inclined. I'll post updates when a new entry is up but none of that shit about what kind of sandwich I'm eating. 

You're a Family of Waker-Uppers

For the past few weeks, my roommate and I have been all snugglytown in our bunkbed until we hear the doorbell. Every time I leap out of bed thinking it's our super with more glue traps (happened), our super with my roommate's wallet (happened), the police (happened), our downstairs neighbor who we filed a harassment report against (happened) and who plays Gospel music whenever she hears us get up in the morning (still happens), or naked neighbor (will probably happen). But it's you, the family that wakes us up to ask us what we believe, subtext, "do you believe the right thing?" SHIIIIIT SON, I believe I was gettin a DELICIOUS dream and REM cycle- I don't get to mother Jay Z's kid everyday! You tote your kids around like schools dont' exist, and I don't even know if you live in the building. 


If you see this, go dance with the neighbor that hates us, she loves strangers and people who are different from her.

To The Guy Who Paid For My Coat Check Last Night Because You Wanted to See My Body

You were coming from the coat check as I was going toward it. You asked if I was going to check my coat, and I said yes and then asked you how much it cost (sometimes they be spensive). You said you would pay for me to check my coat because you wanted to see what was underneath. 


The last time I felt that much pressure was in the sandwich-making line at my college dorm cafeteria when I wanted to take my time and make a tasty ass bagel sandwich. 


After I took my coat off, you and your friends made happy sounds, and then you tipped the coat check lady. Like, WHAT would have happened if I had disappointed with the big reveal?? 


If you see this, don't you love my coat?? It was made by weavers in Ireland.

Working Out on the Subway

On the 4/5 just now headed toward Brooklyn you were super buff and super knew it. You had tats a'plenty and a ripped red tank top with gym shorts. I was listening to my new CD and casually looked over to the other end of the subway car; you were in the middle doing pull-ups. Like, you were using the bar that people hold so they don't fall down and crush people/get diseases from the fluids on the floor. I kept staring at you like "what the fuck are you doing?" You were all about embracing this snarl expression you had goin on, and I couldn't tell where you were looking. THEN, you stopped doing pull-ups and started stretching. THEN, you whipped out those stretchy rubber work-out things and looped them around the bars to do arm exercises. I was thinking several things that I will now elaborate on: 1) Poor, poor choice of tattoos and placement. 2) No one, not for one second, believed you to be a badass. You were on a train to Brooklyn. This macho display might have been founded were you heading to some dank gym in the city. 3) My body will never look like yours. 4) What kind of women are attracted to someone getting personal with subway bars that millions of grimy hands and body parts touch everyday? 5) What pick-up lines do you use? Or does your body do all the talking? 5) WHY DID YOU DO THE SNARL STARE AT ME WHEN WE GOT OFF THE SUBWAY?


Yea, I saw you watchin me (I think (as per the previous stated uncertainty of where your eyes were focused)). If not, I'm sorry about your eye and the permanent snarl. 


If you see this, I'm not a bench press, so don't get any ideas.

You Ruin Clothes

Mistake #1- You came in the store talkin on the phone like this is Forever fuckin 21
Mistake #2- You said you were going to set your stuff down next to me while you shopped. Your "stuff" was two huge ass bags, and also, I don't need a play-by-play. 
Mistake #3- You couldn't get the dress off that you were trying on and needed help= boobs galore
Mistake #4- You put the dress back and asked if we had another size 6. I said, "like you need two of them?" You said you didn't, so I asked if something was wrong with that one (the one you couldn't get off five seconds earlier). 
You: "I got makeup on it." 
Me: "You want another one instead of the one you got makeup on?" 
You: "Yes." 
Me: ".........................................................................................."
Me after I shit my pants in disbelief: "Well you kinda got makeup on it, there's not much I can do to help you there."
Mistake #5- You bought something else in a size small and left. 


If you see this, get a push-up bra.