Missed Connections

The Countess

2011-01-08T12:58:00.000-08:00

I went to the opening...re-opening...re-design?...of the Lord & Taylor's on 5th Ave a couple months ago after work. Big tall chicks, some say models, in flower garb headpieces were waddling around on a red carpet outside, which promised an entertaining evening. I traversed the 5 billion floors with my co-workers taking in each show; cutesie kidz band on the third floor? nopez, champagne courtesy of Ralph Lauren on the fourth floor? I'll doooooooo it. I snapped a picture of Andrew WK being a super subdued DJ with my phone and then made my way to the top floor. Ready to scoot we decided to take the elevator down and guess who we shared our ride with? Why twas you Countess LuAnn and yonder music producer with sunglasses that never come offeth. All I wanted to do was hum "money can't buy you class..but it CAN buy thousands of people champagne (holla at ma boi Ralph). I'm almost as tall as you...also your hair looked pretty ok.

If you see this, will you please contact lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com and tell her to put my picture up?

And because I love Housewives' songz:

Matt Czuchry: I Wanted to Touch Your Face

2010-11-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

You were filming "The Good Wife" outside my work for a whole week. I kept hoping to run into you, and while going to lunch one day, I looked across the intersection and there you were, crossing the street into my outstretched arms (you wish). You stood to my left as we waited for the light to change and blew a big ass bubblegum bubble, color me impressed. I turned to you, touched your arm and said "hey, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass, but I think you're awesome." You said "thanks," and we made the smallest of small talkz as we crossed the street together. I wanted to touch your face so bad as it looked softer than the softest baby butt.

If you see this, let me touch your face.

You Love My Birthday Cuba Gooding Jr.

2010-10-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

I was havin a baller evening with my friends while celebrating my birthday at the Hudson Hotel bar. We were putting our drankz on some German dude's hotel room bill (he offered?) and dancin up a storm until people told us to get down off the couches. Someone said Cuba Gooding Jr. was there, so I was like where he be!? I saw you, posse-less, sitting down with some guy, Mr. Manager, standing right behind you. I saw you signing stuff in front of some chicks, so I figured it was equal opportunity. I sat down right in front of you on the couch, and your manager looked at me quizzically, then looked at you for a yes or no, and you gave him a head shake "no." Mr. Manager looked at me and nodded a big fat "NOPE SORRY." So, dejected, I got up and slumped away as much as one can slump while dancing and drinking.

Ten minutes go by and Mr. Manager catches my eye, he waves me over like "pardy?" I grabbed my two friends and we resumed the spot in front of you. We told you it was my birthday, and for the rest of the evening you periodically raised your glass and yelled/cheersed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Bottle service happened, and around 1a.m. you asked us if we wanted to go to another clerb*. We followed you out of the bar and down the street to another bar where we jumped the line and immediately got seated/more bottle service...it was so fuggin legit. I faked taking shotz cause I was tired town, and eventually we got "thrown out."

If you see this, would you say playing the driver of the Lucille Ball tour bus in Rat Race was your most demanding role to date?

You Had a Horn

2010-06-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

My friends and I tried out Bar Floyd the other night, and I made my way in past the doorman and the guy who "RAWR-ed" at me in reference to my leopard print dress to the couch next to the books. The world cup was inevitably going on, and I still don't care. My friends and I were havin a legit time, and then this horn noise kept happening. I was wondering if it was the TV and some celebration noise for a soccer thingamajig, but alas, twas you, Mr. Horn Blower. Ten minutes later I told my friends, "if he blows it again I'm going over there." And then you did, and then I did. You and your friend were piss-happy. I looked at you and said, "Are you the one blowing the horn? It's annoying." Your friend said some jackassery, and you were slightly stunned that someone who wasn't an obnoxious dude was talking to you. I could totally tell that you wanted to appease your comrades and continue being a douche. I asked you if I could have the horn, and you said no. Then I asked one more time if you would consider stopping and walked away. As I made my way back to the couch, I heard the horn followed by laughter. I heard it about two more times, and then I heard the faint sound of realization- realization that your loud-ass horn blows.

If you see this, have fun ruining good timez.

You Hit on Me Again

2010-04-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was walking home last night down Sterling, and as I passed by you backing out your motorcycle, I quickly thought you looked like this guy. But I kept walking and jamming to The Drums. This big ass bright light crept up behind me, and it was you trailing next to me on the sidewalk on your motorcycle. I stopped and turned, IT.WAS.YOU. The guy who waved me down on 5th Ave several months ago to ask me if I'm in love and tell me how adorable I am (I KNOW). I almost yarfed. Then, you used the same exact pick-up, "you're lovely, you're adorable." (again, I KNOW). Ummmmmm, the best part? You didn't REMEMBER ME.

holy.shit. Did that really just happen?

If you see this, I want a list of women you've hit on via motorcycle via rando streets via deutsche-talk.

I Thought I Was Progressive

2010-04-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Until you came in the store and started milking your baby from your breasts, in the store, under a blanket thing, in the store, from your breasts, right in front of me, in the store.

If you see this, thank you. I've finally mastered the thizz face.

You Do Things Too Fast

2010-04-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

I ran my ass down to the post office the other day trying to make it there before it opened. But of course, even at 9:04, it was a mild clusterfuck in the post office that yelp reviewers wish they could assign negative ratings to. I got in line behind a woman picking her nose, and then you walked in. Oblivious to the line and clearly more important, you walked right up to the window of an employee and said the most unimaginable shit: "I mailed something this morning, and I want to make sure I addressed it correctly." The employee looked at you the way most of us looked at you, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? And then you're reasoning behind it, which you repeated over and over again for what would be the next half hour was, "Sometimes, I just do things so fast." You do things so fast? YOU DO THINGS SO FAST?? If you have time to be at the post office at 9:10 on a Monday morning and wait until the post office employees sift through every piece of mail in their back room to make sure your measly little envelope is addressed correctly, then the turtle would clearly win in that race. Right when I was finished mailing my taxes, I saw a man through the glass hold up an envelope and then heard your voice next to me say, "that's right." Then, you left muttering anger towards the establishment. That was it, you didn't rewrite the address, you didn't even hold it in your hands. People don't get to complain about the service when they're the old coot of the morning. WE get to complain about YOU, that's why people go to the post office.

If you see this, HURRY UP.

To Chace "Gozzip Boy" Crawford

2010-04-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

You went into Barneys New York the other day with your mum, and you had the pleasure of talking to my uncle (he works for one of the cosmetic lines) for awhile about an extremely worthy topic: ME. He told you I graduated with your sister, now professional dater of Tony Romo, and that we were all super jazzed that you were at our graduation ceremony. Then, y'all chatted about the unbelievable food in Missouri, and I think my uncle invited himself to hang out with you and your attractive/wealthy family. You told him you have a pad in New York when he said I live in Brooklyn. COME FIND ME BITCH.

If you see this, congratulations on not wearing as much makeup as Joe Jonas.

You Sent Me the Weirdest Request

2010-03-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

You're a musician/by-product of country music. You sent me a friend request on myspace (which is my virtual filing cabinet for bands, I don't friend normal people) and it had the fucking weirdest message attached:

"Howdy lil miss lady moonlight with an angel dust face"- ANGEL DUST FACE??!?!? WWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT??? I think you got the wrong girl here, see, I'm LEGAL.

I just wanted to dedicate my ocean scene country love song #2 "Picture This" to You! - GREAT, AFTERWARDS CAN YOU VOMIT ON MY FACE!!?

his name here~:)" - What is this dopey emoticon?? What is the SQUIGGLE? A mustache? A single strand of hair falling delicately across your face? I don't know, and I don't think I like what it impliez.

If you see this, your song was as crappy as the morning dew that glistens on fresh droppings lain down by yonder grasshopper.

Please, PLEASE enjoy, this ones on me.

http://www.myspace.com/textronictroubadours

Twitter Timez

2010-03-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Follow me at drankzandjokez if you're so inclined. I'll post updates when a new entry is up but none of that shit about what kind of sandwich I'm eating.

You're a Family of Waker-Uppers

2010-03-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, my roommate and I have been all snugglytown in our bunkbed until we hear the doorbell. Every time I leap out of bed thinking it's our super with more glue traps (happened), our super with my roommate's wallet (happened), the police (happened), our downstairs neighbor who we filed a harassment report against (happened) and who plays Gospel music whenever she hears us get up in the morning (still happens), or naked neighbor (will probably happen). But it's you, the family that wakes us up to ask us what we believe, subtext, "do you believe the right thing?" SHIIIIIT SON, I believe I was gettin a DELICIOUS dream and REM cycle- I don't get to mother Jay Z's kid everyday! You tote your kids around like schools dont' exist, and I don't even know if you live in the building.

If you see this, go dance with the neighbor that hates us, she loves strangers and people who are different from her.

To The Guy Who Paid For My Coat Check Last Night Because You Wanted to See My Body

2010-03-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

You were coming from the coat check as I was going toward it. You asked if I was going to check my coat, and I said yes and then asked you how much it cost (sometimes they be spensive). You said you would pay for me to check my coat because you wanted to see what was underneath.

The last time I felt that much pressure was in the sandwich-making line at my college dorm cafeteria when I wanted to take my time and make a tasty ass bagel sandwich.

After I took my coat off, you and your friends made happy sounds, and then you tipped the coat check lady. Like, WHAT would have happened if I had disappointed with the big reveal??

If you see this, don't you love my coat?? It was made by weavers in Ireland.

Working Out on the Subway

2010-03-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

On the 4/5 just now headed toward Brooklyn you were super buff and super knew it. You had tats a'plenty and a ripped red tank top with gym shorts. I was listening to my new CD and casually looked over to the other end of the subway car; you were in the middle doing pull-ups. Like, you were using the bar that people hold so they don't fall down and crush people/get diseases from the fluids on the floor. I kept staring at you like "what the fuck are you doing?" You were all about embracing this snarl expression you had goin on, and I couldn't tell where you were looking. THEN, you stopped doing pull-ups and started stretching. THEN, you whipped out those stretchy rubber work-out things and looped them around the bars to do arm exercises. I was thinking several things that I will now elaborate on: 1) Poor, poor choice of tattoos and placement. 2) No one, not for one second, believed you to be a badass. You were on a train to Brooklyn. This macho display might have been founded were you heading to some dank gym in the city. 3) My body will never look like yours. 4) What kind of women are attracted to someone getting personal with subway bars that millions of grimy hands and body parts touch everyday? 5) What pick-up lines do you use? Or does your body do all the talking? 5) WHY DID YOU DO THE SNARL STARE AT ME WHEN WE GOT OFF THE SUBWAY?

Yea, I saw you watchin me (I think (as per the previous stated uncertainty of where your eyes were focused)). If not, I'm sorry about your eye and the permanent snarl.

If you see this, I'm not a bench press, so don't get any ideas.

You Ruin Clothes

2010-03-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Mistake #1- You came in the store talkin on the phone like this is Forever fuckin 21
Mistake #2- You said you were going to set your stuff down next to me while you shopped. Your "stuff" was two huge ass bags, and also, I don't need a play-by-play.
Mistake #3- You couldn't get the dress off that you were trying on and needed help= boobs galore
Mistake #4- You put the dress back and asked if we had another size 6. I said, "like you need two of them?" You said you didn't, so I asked if something was wrong with that one (the one you couldn't get off five seconds earlier).
You: "I got makeup on it."
Me: "You want another one instead of the one you got makeup on?"
You: "Yes."
Me: ".........................................................................................."
Me after I shit my pants in disbelief: "Well you kinda got makeup on it, there's not much I can do to help you there."
Mistake #5- You bought something else in a size small and left.

If you see this, get a push-up bra.

To the Deli Masquerading as a Restaurant

2010-02-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

With a friend in town, I was entrusted with the fuckin legit role of choosing our dinner location on Friday night. I was led to a tasty town destination called Zaragoza in the East Village, and it was the quickest Yelp of my life. We were pumped, it was gonna be BANGIN. We get off the subway and start walkin to Ave A, at first it looks like a condemned building, but then wait, JOKEZ ON US cause 215 Ave A was in fact a GROCERY and deli across the street. The restaurant I chose was a convenient store. YOU'RE WELCOME FRIENDS WHO STILL TALK TO ME after that incident. Sorry I love to choose fake restaurants for Friday night rendezvous eats. Charles in Charge ain't got nothin on me.

Zaragoza, if you see this, get ready to party in my mouth.

Where You be Kirsten Dunst?

2010-02-14T14:57:00.000-08:00

We went to the secret, underground bar where we were told you're usually seen stumbling drunkenly around, and you t'were not there.

If you see this, you totally need to try the pizza fries at Odessa across the street. It'd be all like Marie Antoinette when she tells the peasants, "Let them eat cake," only you'd be all like, "Let them eat delicious pizza fries and then try and storm Versailles in their drunken food stupor with tasty smiles on their torches....LET THEM."

You Asked Me For a Threesome

2010-02-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

I was braving Mama's bar in the East Village for the first time after I'd stopped dating one of its bartenders. A couple slurricanes later and I was good to go. You--a regular there and sometimes the DJ--and I got to talking. We'd met several times before, and I'd met your baller girlfriend. She was nowhere around, and being friendly I asked you her whereabouts, genuinely interested. It wasn't code for nasty shit. You started to kiss me, and I pulled away saying over and over (cause it kept happening) "You have a girlfriend." And FINALLY, you are all like, "Oh, she's at home, she told me to not come home alone." So I'm not an idiot, I was like, shit, this dude's gonna get down tonight, hope he finds someone to do it with him and his girlfriend. And in my heart of hearts I earnestly wished you well in your quest. Then you pull this on me: "We're both very attracted to you." Thanks, I mean WHAT? You didn't stop there: "She told me to bring you home." Situation got real. The sex pamphlet in elementary school does not tell you how to handle surprise-threesome-request attacks. Even if I wanted to, my place was off limits (thank goodness) cause we have a bunkbed. Deterred not, were you. I was wasted and didn't know what steps to take to ward you off, aside from the polite "No, but thank you," approach. I told you I had to split (and fucking fast), and you insisted on walking me to Union Square where you kept pulling me aside along the way and kissing me. You were a weird ass violent kisser man, I feel like signing up for that threesome woulda been like signing up for an introduction to poorly staged S&M.

I was so thrown off that I got on the L instead of my train and ended up in Williamsburg where I immediately started talking to 4 Europeans for an hour.

If you see this, do you know David Blaine?

You Don't Party With Reading

2010-02-06T15:26:00.000-08:00

The door says push, not pull. Let me be the first to preemptively congratulate you on bringing down the whole fucking establishment with a resounding shattering of glass all over the floor, which will surely happen should you choose to keep up this charade upon your next visit. And thanks for standing in the middle of the store and staring at the ceiling cause that looked totally normal and everything to customers coming in.

If you read this, oh right, you can't.

You Said You Didn't Mean to Rush Me

2010-02-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

THEN DON'T WAIT OUT IN FRONT OF THE STORE, WALK AWAY LIKE YOU'RE TRICKZ, AND THEN COME BACK. Of COURSE you meant to rush me, and then you gave me the whole, "I thought you might have forgot." FORGOT TO OPEN THE STORE!? Yea, my bad, I usually just come in and use the chair provided to sit and eat my apple and read a book. FORGOT!?!? How could I forget when I wake up at early ass dawn that I'm opening a store that day?

If you see this (I suppose you meant well) don't get too accustomed to going around "REMINDING" people of shit they have to do...like work on a Saturday.

You Tried to Rent Us a Taken Apartment

2010-01-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I were apartment hunting and you showed us a sweet (yet oh so tiny) place that we were psyched about putting a deposit down on. We made sure money was in our accounts and met up with you the next day to seal the deal. AND THEN YOU SHOWED US OTHER APARTMENTS, all like, "Oh I thought you might want to see these too," and I was all, "ok, but I think we're still gonna wanna take the one we like." Apparently your jackassery was all code for, "someone lives in the apartment I showed you." WHO DOES THAT!? If you see this, or if you don't, I'm gonna show up at your door with my couch and my bunkbed shouting, "HAPPY MOVING DAY ROOMIE."

You Stare at Me While I Work

2010-01-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

Your apartment is across the street from my store. You sit in the window (probz smoking) and watch me throughout the day as I work.

That should probably stop.

And if you see this, wanna cover ALL my shifts and say you didn't? I think you know the hours.

To Lil Jon

2010-01-09T20:27:00.000-08:00

You and your grill were chillin at 1 Oak last night, and my friend noticed you as we were getting our coats from the coat check. She said to me, "I think that guy is famous." I turned around to look at you, and our first thought was, "HOLY SHIT THAT'S LIL WAYNE!" Jokez on us cause you're not Lil Wayne, but that's aight, don't sweat it. You had your posse of guys who were not decked out in the expected cool shit ensemble of expensive swag that has the designer's name engraved in the lining. You were talkin smack on how many publicists you have, and I chided to my friend loud enough for you to hear, "oh you have three publicists?" There was a super awkward, scary silence in which I prayed that I was invisible and that no one heard me. But apparently, the way you roll is that your boys can't react until you do, and luckily for me you laughed and gave a little back saying, "yeah, I have three publicists."
Me: "yeah well, I have five."
You: "well, I have seven."
Me: "yeah, I got 10, I'll see yours and raise you one."
You laughed, and my friend and I slipped out.

If you see this, THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME and thanks in advance for writing your next song about me with lyrics that go something like, "her jokez are so hilarious, I crap my pants when I think of her."

You Said it Was Fate

2010-01-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

You were riding your motorcycle on 5th ave and saw me walking home. You pulled over and started talking to me mostly about yourself. Apparently you're really great and Italian and a music producer and develop brownstones and fly all over the world at will. You asked me my name and then, "are you in love?" to which I replied, "there are many kinds of love" (subtext: get the hell away from me) You were cute until you wouldn't shut up. The next day you called and texted leaving messages saying it was fate the way we met and it must mean something. But I kept wondering--while I wasn't responding--how it could have been fate when you went out of your way to pull over to the side of the road?? I finally told you that I got back together with my boyfriend, and THEN you wanted to get together to discuss our feelings and our relationships and how people can screw you over or some shit. If you see this, I lied...big time.

You're Gonna "Have Something" for Me?

2010-01-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

You and I both got off at the same bus stop in the Crown Hizzle. I have a slight cough and walking behind me, you said, "gotta do something about that coat." I thought it was a weird threat regarding my leather coat (cause one time at a mall my mom was threatened for fur and she didn't raise no fool) so I said, "what?" And you simply meant that I needed to get a bigger coat or some shennanigans cause I was coughing. You kept asking me questions as I continued walking several paces ahead of you, and I had to keep turning around to answer them. You asked my age, not appropriate to ask a lady, and finally I told you. After all the personal questions about my health, you ended with, "do you get high?" Um, no, and certainly not with you. What kind of non-sequitur was that?? Like, were we about to establish a dealer-buyer situation right then and there? Were we supposed to hang after that and get free pizza in Williamsburg? Was I supposed to guess your age until you relented and told me you were 45 (just guessing)? As a final farewell as I walked across the crosswalk you said, "next time I see you, I'm gonna have something for you...you know what I mean?" I shouted back, "I think I do." If you see this, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???? And what, WHAT, are you going to have for me???

To the Three People Who Were Saving Three Seats at a Sold Out Showing of "Up in The Air" Thereby Making Tons of People Sit in the First Three Rows and Crane Their Necks While Your Friends Showed up Late and Got Ballin Seats

2010-01-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

If you see this, pat yourselves on the back for being panormous dickheads.

You Told Me to Calm Down

2010-01-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

My friends and I heard of the magical land that is Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg, tasty free pizza with every drink?!? When we went I admittedly had low expectations of said pizza, but the bartender was super stoked with us when we told him it was our first time, propz to him for being so fuggin delightful. My friends and I set a timer on our phones to countdown the 5 minutes until tastytown. When I went back to the kitchen area to retrieve my hard-drank pizza, I let out a squeal of girlish delight, and you, the chef, told me to calm down. I was getting a free personal pizza, and you told me to CALM DOWN. Are you telling me that every other night of the week, drunk people don't come into that bar and get super EXCITED to enjoy an amazing pizza (that I'm sorry I ever underestimated)? It was the most wonderful thing to happen in my mouth that week, and you should be so grateful to work around such delicacies. If you see this, let me know when you work next, I have a megaphone I'd like you to meet.

Guy With White Hair at Laguardia

2009-12-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

I had just stepped off my flight from home tonight and reached for my phone to call my parents. I briefly looked up while entering the "H" in my phone for "home" and saw you coming toward me in your teal windbreaker. Cool man. You ran into me, ie. you totally sideswiped me. If we were cars, you would be paying damage repairs from your insurance for 10 years. If we were planes, we would have blown up. If I was Rabbit's rabbit hole and you were Winnie the Pooh, you would be stuck forever. You not only ran into me once, but I continued to be knocked about by your body like I was in some sort of wind tunnel. I looked up, and you glared at me and said, "OH COME ON, get off your phone." I get that you grew up in a time that didn't have phones for you to call your parents when you arrived safely at the farm next door, but mine like to know what's up. If you see this, you're the reason I missed this city. Next time, get the hell out of my way. Thanks for the welcome back.

Forever 21 Biznitch

2009-12-28T16:03:00.000-08:00

I was trying to cure my loneliness the other day (because my roommate had peaced for home and I was waiting for tasty taco time) while in the city. I had some time to kill so I hopped into Forever 21, a.k.a I will Forever buy 21 things every time I go in. I was stoked; I was not stoked to run into bitches. I grabbed a couple things to try on- a denim onesie to add to my collection and some other shit. Going upstairs to the dressing room, I waited in line and recognized that the lovely piece of humanity working the fitting rooms was not having it. Holidays be busy timez so I totally get the annoyance with the clusterfuck she had probably been enduring for the past week. When a room opened up, I asked, "can I just go in?" But she said I had to wait because she had to count my items. She took her sweet time. It was getting a little old, but I wasn't going to rush her. Another room opened up, and I was still waiting. Then you, the blonde skag behind me, went around me and marched straight into the room while muttering something like, "I'm just gonna go." I was fuming the whole time I tried on my clothes, and I kept thinking how lucky you would be to NOT see me in the store afterward. I couldn't stop whispering profanities to myself while I was trying stuff on because you PISSED ME OFF...and the sizes were too small. If you see this and if you have any friends, I want to meet them.

You Fucked Me Over

2009-12-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

You came into the store tonight with your family and asked about gloves. I showed you what we had, and you asked if we had anything for around $10. I said sorry but no. You told your wife (I'm guessing) and your child (also guessing) to go outside and hail a taxi. You turned to me and asked if I could make change for you from a $50. I'm not even supposed to make change for people given that we barely keep enough to use ourselves, but wanting to be helpful, I gave you a 20 and the rest in fives. I had an off feeling about you and grabbed the counterfeit pen to check your bill as you turned to leave. You wished me a happy holiday and left in a merry mood. Right before I marked the $50 bill with the pen, I said out loud to myself, "please let this be real money." As the ink turned the dark brown, I could hear shit hit the fan and wanted to cry. You were just outside, and I considered my chances of victory in tackling you down...I would die. Plus, I didn't want to cut a bitch in front of your daughter. If you see this, you're probably using a federal prison's computer.

You Called me Domino

2009-12-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

You came into Mama's in the East Village where my roommate and I were already imbibing. You made quite the stumbling entrance, and after the bartenders waved a quick hello like you were da man, they told me they'd probably have to throw you out soon cause you be ridiculous. You sat down next to me, and I tried to keep my back facing you, but you would have none of that. You started saying, "domino! Hey domino!" And I tried to pretend you weren't at all referring to my domino necklace. I decided to throw you a bone, ( I had to cause you wouldn't shut up) and turned and said, "yeah?" At this moment the bartender went outside to smoke, and you began to jabber on for several fuggin minutes about how he had left and how you were just about to make your move. Man, I did NOT wanna see what moves you had. I was like, "dude, he'll be back soon, don't worry." I thought you were diggin the bartender and got a little relieved that you weren't gonna try and get in my pants. I said, "do you like the bartender?" And you said, "NO!" all disturbed that I suggested it. I had to fuggin guess everyone in the bar before I finally said, "do you like me??" And you yelled, "WELL DUH!" I'm pretty sure you were on an unheard of amount of drugs and were shortly thereafter thrown out of the bar but not before you did your best to make me feel like an idiot because I didn't know that was your sorry ass attempt to hit on me. No one has said DUH to me since elementary you terd. And if making a move for you involves yelling out the name of an accessory, go do some more drugs man. If you see this, just throw money at me next time, it's your only chance.

To Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal

2009-12-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

I was with my roommate at Gorilla Coffee, and you both walked in. I totally didn't see you until you were already at the other end of the cafe putting fixings in your coffee. IT WAS AWESOME. Jake, you're a lot skinnier in person that I expected, sweet plaid timez. Reese, you're a lot shorter than I expected, sweet towering over you timez. As you both walked out, each with several cuppa joes in your hands, I (conveniently right behind you) opened the door for you. You both looked at me and said, "thank you." I said, "ANYTIME," like the BALLER I am. If you see this, I will marry your children.

To the Guy Who Made Fun of My Teeth

2009-12-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

I had just finished dominating PacMan at a bar and was walking with my roommate and newly formed friends down the street heading toward the next bar. I shouted something about Texas and you looked back and asked "Are you from Texas?" You were with some chick, and I said "YES." I thought we were gonna be bros after that. You said you were from Bedford, which is unfortunate but not your fault. I said something like, "oh, so you're a Bedfordian." And then you made fun of my teeth. YOU MADE FUN OF MY TEETH. Sorry I party with dental hygiene. Sorry I HAVE all my teeth. Sorry the girl you were with had to spend her evening with you. If you see this, please stop talking to people.

To Mark Fisher

2009-12-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

I was trying to get some work done at Starbucks last night before going to a party. I sat down, got my music going, and you walked by. Glancing back at me you said, "are you using IWork?" I said, "I have no idea, what's that?" You sat down surrounded by ciggy smoke and asked, "may I?" gesturing toward my Macbook. I don't know why I said sure, but for the next hour, you "updated" my computer with a bunch of shit I don't know how to use or pronounce. You gave me tons of programs and changed all my computer preferences. You also told me you were Mark Fisher, a well-known rock-n-roll photographer/filmmaker. Each time after you added another program you said, "Merry Christmas, eat shit and die." I couldn't stop giggling and blushing because that was the least offensive out of all the phrases you uttered. You eventually left me to die a slow technological death with my "new" and "improved" computer. If you see this, cut your fingernails. Oh, and fix my computer cause I have no idea how to use it.

They Don't Have Shoe Dyers in Poland

2009-12-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

You came into my store today-a shoe store-and thought it would be fun to try on every single pair. I disagreed. You kept saying out loud how we didn't have the shoe you liked in your size, as if repeating it a bazillion times would make it appear in our stock room. While you tried them on, you kept talking out loud to me making me an integral part of the process. I acted like I was paying attention. You stayed for oh, about an HOUR. Other people came and went, but you couldn't take a hint. You were worried about getting the shoes dyed because as you explained it to me, "I'm from Poland, we don't have things like that there." I said, "you don't have people who dye shoes in Poland?" You said, "no, I don't think so." Why do I find that incredibly, INCREDIBLY hard to believe?? No one dyes shoes in Poland...IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY? If you see this, looks like you better run your ass home and set up shop, cause this is a big effing niche that apparently no one in your country knows about. Boom goes the dynamite.

You Gave Me Your Number

2009-12-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

As I was crossing Essex, I saw you see me and pretend to stand against a wall. You started walking with me as I walked up Rivington. You asked where I lived, and I said Brooklyn. You made a noise like you were a horrified child and asked how that was. I told you I'd been murdered once and mugged a couple times, but it wasn't so bad. You thought I was pretty tough, and as I turned to go onto Ludlow, I was afraid you were going to accompany me to the bar. You said, "can we talk later?" And as I admitted that I was trying to break a habit of giving out completely truthful contact information to strangers, you thought it was my way of saying I can only correspond by email. This was not true. I didn't want to communicate in any type of way, but I did give you props for being ballsy. When I wouldn't give you my number, you asked if you could give me yours. This sounded like the best win/win of the day. You opened up a whole new world for me, one in which, I don't have to not remember who I gave my number to the next morning. If you see this, you can't ever contact me because you don't know how, and I have you to thank.

To the Guy Who Said I Was Missing Out (Because You Know DMX) by Not Accepting Your New Year's Eve Date Invitation

2009-12-13T15:35:00.001-08:00

53 is still too old.

To the Kid on the Playground

2009-12-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

You're about three-years old. You carry a pale around like you're the shit and you're a mini hipster wannabe. You told the kid I sometimes babysit, "Thanks for nothin," after he wanted his toy car back. Meanwhile, you were hoarding your huge, semi-wooden car in front of his face not letting him come within an inch of it. Then, you wanted to play with his ball and his cars and talk to me about how cool you are. If you see this, you suck.

To the Lady Who Asked if I Knew Your Daughter's Dress Size

2009-12-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

You came in the store where I work with your daughter. You had a ton of shit with you cause it was a day of shopping. Y'all dropped every single one of your bags right next to my desk like it was out of the way. You chose a lot of items for your daughter to try on and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna make bank." Even though I don't make commission, I thought I was gonna get a sweet pat on the back from da boss. We were small talking, and then you looked at me and asked, "do you know my daughter's size?" What? Uh....what? How the hell would I know her size? Do I look like a measuring tape? Then you told me she's French as if that was in any way relevant. THAT'S WHAT DRESSING ROOMS ARE FOR. I also know her birthday, her favorite foods, a list of things she's allergic to and her daily horoscope. If you see this, Je ne sais pas toujours que la taille de votre fille est.

To Colin Firth

2009-12-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

I went to the press preview of your store, Eco, in Chiswick when it opened. You were supposed to be there, but your Catherine Zeta-Jones-esque wife managed on her own along with every in-law you have. So I shook her hand fervently while pretending it was really yours. When leaving the event and feeling sufficiently important, my co-worker and I grabbed our bags that we had placed downstairs. I smelled something burning and noticed my purse was singed, or more like there was a GIANT ASS HOLE IN MY PURSE. The floor lights in your store burnt right through my Urban Outfitters bag, but I was too embarrassed to tell your wife. So instead I did the mature thing and had my editor call and gripe to your PR people and demand the value of the purse. It was $30 but we requested £30. Someone grudgingly handed it over, and I was happy as a clam thinking that I surely was the topic of a Firth family dinner conversation. If you see this, I'll reimburse you the £30 if you get drankz with me.

To the Wiitala Bros

2009-12-03T17:54:00.000-08:00

I gots yo CD!

Didn't quite make it to Sufjan. If you see this....we need to talk....it's about your music.

To Sufjan Stevens

2009-12-03T17:40:00.001-08:00

I was happening down a street in Park Slope going to one of my friend's apartments. While waiting outside for her to run upstairs, I noticed some mail sitting on the stoop. It had been waiting for some weeks as it was addressed to you, Sufjan Stevens. I guess you used to live in the Slope and forgot to change your forwarding address. Seeing as how this was probably years ago, and the package was already opened, I took me home a little souvenir. Some band called the Wiitala Brothers wrote you a nice note and sent you their latest CD wishing you well and wanting to get together soon. Don't worry, I listened to the CD, it's not great. If you see this, maybe you should give them a call. No one knows where you live now cause you're famous, but maybe y'all should get drankz?

To the Guy Who Took My Cab

2009-12-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

I was coming out of Ratagast with my friends, happy, drunk and ready to go home. I stepped into the street and began dutifully hailing a cab. Minutes later across the street, you began doing the same. Finally, a car pulls up to my feet, and who jumps in from the other side? You and your douchebag trio. I said, "this is my cab," to which you replied, "sorry honey." YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO CALL ME HONEY. I wasn't the third wheel on a date that night. If you see this, I stand by what I yelled after the cab as it drove away, "you better hope I don't see you in a dark alley."

To David Blaine

2009-12-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

I called you on the Fourth of July from some rando's phone in a bar who was trying to impress me with his contacts and ability to continuously buy rounds for me and my friends. Other than Bill Clinton, you were the next most interesting number in his phone. What the hell does that say about him? I gave you a ring to wish you well on our nation's birthday and 1. you didn't pick up, 2. you don't even have a personalized voicemail. Shouldn't you have a voicemail that says something like, "WHAT UP HO it's David Blaine. I'm standing in a cube of ice right now suspended above a pit of spikes waiting for my balls to fall off. If you want me to appear in a box at your child's next birthday party, dial this extension." If you see this, please call me back. I was the message that said, "I have questions about your magical abilities."

To My Old Boss

2009-11-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

I was so proud of myself for landing a job helping you out with excess press coverage. With all of my credentials, schooling and internship experience, I was more than prepared for the tasks that awaited me. Or so I thought. Turns out you thought you hired a robot and not a girl who just got her Bachelors in journalism. You micromanaged the hell out of me and never even gave me a chair to sit on. I said the couch was a fine location for the first day (we worked out of your apartment in the city), but I didn't know I was agreeing to day after day of total discomfort. Who buys couches with extremely low backs anymore? Come on. Each day one of two things would happen: You would ask me to do something completely out of my realm of knowledge (and yours too) and then get gripey on my ass with an overbearing parental tone of utter disappointment; You would ask me to do something that I completed like a baller, and then you would slyly disregard my efforts only to later come up with the exact same ideas disguised as your own. After two weeks of evident disapproval on your end and dozens of drinks on mine (and a day where I showed up for work and you asked "what are you doing here?") you "fired" me. You sell feminine independence and girl power, but you never actually gave me the satisfaction of being fired. Like a bad date you just blew me off until I realized I wasn't going to ever get another paycheck from you. The employee before me lasted two hours, and I lasted two weeks. Doesn't that deserve a termination notice? A kick to the curb? An egotistical blow? If you see this, PLEASE FIRE ME. Also, don't put so much cheese in your pasta.

To the Lady Who Lost Her Sweater

2009-11-29T19:36:00.001-08:00

You called me at work the other day after you had come and gone. You asked if I had seen your brown sweater, and after I made a quick sweep of the store and told you that we did not in fact have your sweater, you tried to convince me that I had your sweater. I'm not a fuckin sweater hoarder lady. If I say I don't have your sweater, I don't have it. You told me that you had been in the store only two hours before like that somehow magically meant I had your sweater. You then hung up (finally) and called back 5 minutes later only to tell me that our store's other location doesn't have your sweater either. Uh, cool? I still don't have your sweater. Oh, OH, THAT SWEATER?? OH! Now that you call back and tell me ONCE AGAIN that you lost your sweater, I all of the sudden have it. If you see this, stop being a jackass.

To the Guy Who Challenged Me to Ms.PacMan at a Bar

2009-11-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

I was at a bar in Park Slope with my friend. We were getting drankz, and I was dominating the local Ms.PacMan game. We were getting low on quarters and you and your friend, after assumedly noticing my screams on the verge of defeat, approached us and challenged me to a game. Being two older, financially secure and slightly married men, you put a round of beers at stake. Seeing my jaw drop- me being a younger, financially fledgling single gal- the stakes were lowered to loser buys winner a beer. Here's the deal, we should have decided how to determine who wins because I clearly beat yo ass in the number of levels, but your points were double mine. Why should I be punished for wanting to get out of each level as QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE? Whoever instantaneously decided the winner was determined by points can kiss my ass because I didn't want to buy you a beer!? And then you told everyone that you tried to buy ME one, NOT TRUE dude. Hope you enjoyed your fuggin tasty beer on the house...the house of poors. If you see this, move out of Bayridge, no one lives there, and stop preying on the pockets of girls who happen to be BALLER at Ms. PacMan.

You Were Being Inappropriate on a Plane

2009-11-19T18:14:00.000-08:00

I was flying home and your shennanigans caused the captain to come over the speaker system and say something that involved the phrases, "not on my plane", "I will have federal authorities arrest you," and "turn it off!" I don't know what you looked like, but if I had to guess, I'd say a big fat creep who looks at porn on airplanes that have ballin wifi technology. If you see this, what the hell were you doing?? Did you get arrested? If so, what does prison food taste like?

To the Guy in a Wheelchair Who Dared to Ride Between the Subway Cars on the N Train Going Across the Manhattan Bridge Just so You Could Smoke

2009-11-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

Even though the voice in the subway says that's illegal, I salute you.

You Told me Your Dog was Tibetan

2009-11-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

I met you at "Bar" in the West Village. You were old, like white hair old and drinking alone. I was actually trying to make eye contact with the guy sitting on the other side of you who was under 50. You were chummy until you made fun of my being from Texas, and you also planted an unwanted surprise kiss on the cheek. You claimed your wife was at home in your million dollar penthouse and that you were up for a Nobel Prize. You pulled out some pretty good BS about what you did to deserve a nomination, but I couldn't follow. To top it all off, you told me you were going to drive home inebriated in your BMW that was parked down the street. In it waiting for you was your Tibetan dog. Then you asked if I wanted to see your car, which I took as code for: "OLD SEX?" If you see this, please mail me your dog because it deserves better--like beer--while it waits for your drunk ass.

To the Short Guy I Made Fun of on Halloween

2009-11-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

Don't dress as Napoleon if it's not a joke. If you see this, please dress up next year as the Jolly Green Giant.

Bitch in My Store

2009-11-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

You were short and had light brown hair. You had to wait for a dressing room to try on a dress, which you then decided to buy. It looked all-right on you. At the checkout desk with my stature towering over you, you tried to weedle a discount out of me by pointing out problems with the garment. You could only see the "holes" because you kept stretching the fabric. It was fine, the holes were indecipherable and there were no runs. You were stupid. I found you the same garment in the same size at another location. You huffed and scoffed and wrote down your name and number so that we could give you a brand new holeless shirt tomorrow. Sorry you're gonna get a sweet ass brand new piece of fine craftsmanship delivered to the store so you don't have to walk your ass the five blocks and get it yourself. If you see this, please come back to the store so that you can witness me throwing the shirt under moving traffic.

Creepy Guy Who Came into My Work Today

2009-11-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

Today, you came into my work with one hand in your pocket and the other holding coffee. You were obviously scruffy around the edges, I thought you were going to shoot me. You walked swiftly toward me as I stood frozen behind my desk. Grabbing my hand, you shook it vehemently while muttering an incoherent string of words of which I remember three specifics: "your eyes are so blue," "what's your name?" and something about me being Jewish. I said nothing. You walked out and I watched to make sure you disappeared from sight. Then you CAME BACK to the store five minutes later, stood outside smoking and moved away once I gained some proximity on your ass. I waited for my untimely demise for the next two hours. If you see this, please respond so we can grab coffee over a RESTRAINING ORDER sometime.