To Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal

I was with my roommate at Gorilla Coffee, and you both walked in. I totally didn't see you until you were already at the other end of the cafe putting fixings in your coffee. IT WAS AWESOME. Jake, you're a lot skinnier in person that I expected, sweet plaid timez. Reese, you're a lot shorter than I expected, sweet towering over you timez. As you both walked out, each with several cuppa joes in your hands, I (conveniently right behind you) opened the door for you. You both looked at me and said, "thank you." I said, "ANYTIME," like the BALLER I am. If you see this, I will marry your children.