To the Deli Masquerading as a Restaurant

With a friend in town, I was entrusted with the fuckin legit role of choosing our dinner location on Friday night. I was led to a tasty town destination called Zaragoza in the East Village, and it was the quickest Yelp of my life. We were pumped, it was gonna be BANGIN.  We get off the subway and start walkin to Ave A, at first it looks like a condemned building, but then wait, JOKEZ ON US cause 215 Ave A was in fact a GROCERY and deli across the street. The restaurant I chose was a convenient store. YOU'RE WELCOME FRIENDS WHO STILL TALK TO ME after that incident. Sorry I love to choose fake restaurants for Friday night rendezvous eats. Charles in Charge ain't got nothin on me. 

Zaragoza, if you see this, get ready to party in my mouth.

Where You be Kirsten Dunst?

We went to the secret, underground bar where we were told you're usually seen stumbling drunkenly around, and you t'were not there. 




If you see this, you totally need to try the pizza fries at Odessa across the street. It'd be all like Marie Antoinette when she tells the peasants, "Let them eat cake," only you'd be all like, "Let them eat delicious pizza fries and then try and storm Versailles in their drunken food stupor with tasty smiles on their torches....LET THEM."

You Asked Me For a Threesome

I was braving Mama's bar in the East Village for the first time after I'd stopped dating one of its bartenders. A couple slurricanes later and I was good to go. You--a regular there and sometimes the DJ--and I got to talking. We'd met several times before, and I'd met your baller girlfriend. She was nowhere around, and being friendly I asked you her whereabouts, genuinely interested. It wasn't code for nasty shit. You started to kiss me, and I pulled away saying over and over (cause it kept happening) "You have a girlfriend." And FINALLY, you are all like, "Oh, she's at home, she told me to not come home alone." So I'm not an idiot, I was like, shit, this dude's gonna get down tonight, hope he finds someone to do it with him and his girlfriend. And in my heart of hearts I earnestly wished you well in your quest. Then you pull this on me: "We're both very attracted to you." Thanks, I mean WHAT? You didn't stop there: "She told me to bring you home." Situation got real. The sex pamphlet in elementary school does not tell you how to handle surprise-threesome-request attacks. Even if I wanted to, my place was off limits (thank goodness) cause we have a bunkbed. Deterred not, were you. I was wasted and didn't know what steps to take to ward you off, aside from the polite "No, but thank you," approach. I told you I had to split (and fucking fast), and you insisted on walking me to Union Square where you kept pulling me aside along the way and kissing me. You were a weird ass violent kisser man, I feel like signing up for that threesome woulda been like signing up for an introduction to poorly staged S&M. 


I was so thrown off that I got on the L instead of my train and ended up in Williamsburg where I immediately started talking to 4 Europeans for an hour. 


If you see this, do you know David Blaine?

You Don't Party With Reading

The door says push, not pull. Let me be the first to preemptively congratulate you on bringing down the whole fucking establishment with a resounding shattering of glass all over the floor, which will surely happen should you choose to keep up this charade upon your next visit. And thanks for standing in the middle of the store and staring at the ceiling cause that looked totally normal and everything to customers coming in.


If you read this, oh right, you can't.

You Said You Didn't Mean to Rush Me

THEN DON'T WAIT OUT IN FRONT OF THE STORE, WALK AWAY LIKE YOU'RE TRICKZ, AND THEN COME BACK. Of COURSE you meant to rush me, and then you gave me the whole, "I thought you might have forgot." FORGOT TO OPEN THE STORE!? Yea, my bad, I usually just come in and use the chair provided to sit and eat my apple and read a book. FORGOT!?!? How could I forget when I wake up at early ass dawn that I'm opening a store that day? 

If you see this (I suppose you meant well) don't get too accustomed to going around "REMINDING" people of shit they have to do...like work on a Saturday.