Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You Tried to Rent Us a Taken Apartment

My roommate and I were apartment hunting and you showed us a sweet (yet oh so tiny) place that we were psyched about putting a deposit down on. We made sure money was in our accounts and met up with you the next day to seal the deal. AND THEN YOU SHOWED US OTHER APARTMENTS, all like, "Oh I thought you might want to see these too," and I was all, "ok, but I think we're still gonna wanna take the one we like." Apparently your jackassery was all code for, "someone lives in the apartment I showed you." WHO DOES THAT!? If you see this, or if you don't, I'm gonna show up at your door with my couch and my bunkbed shouting, "HAPPY MOVING DAY ROOMIE."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You Stare at Me While I Work

Your apartment is across the street from my store. You sit in the window (probz smoking) and watch me throughout the day as I work.


That should probably stop. 


And if you see this, wanna cover ALL my shifts and say you didn't? I think you know the hours.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

To Lil Jon

You and your grill were chillin at 1 Oak last night, and my friend noticed you as we were getting our coats from the coat check. She said to me, "I think that guy is famous." I turned around to look at you, and our first thought was, "HOLY SHIT THAT'S LIL WAYNE!" Jokez on us cause you're not Lil Wayne, but that's aight, don't sweat it. You had your posse of guys who were not decked out in the expected cool shit ensemble of expensive swag that has the designer's name engraved in the lining. You were talkin smack on how many publicists you have, and I chided to my friend loud enough for you to hear, "oh you have three publicists?" There was a super awkward, scary silence in which I prayed that I was invisible and that no one heard me. But apparently, the way you roll is that your boys can't react until you do, and luckily for me you laughed and gave a little back saying, "yeah, I have three publicists." 
Me: "yeah well, I have five."
You: "well, I have seven."
Me: "yeah, I got 10, I'll see yours and raise you one."
You laughed, and my friend and I slipped out.


If you see this, THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME and thanks in advance for writing your next song about me with lyrics that go something like, "her jokez are so hilarious, I crap my pants when I think of her." 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

You Said it Was Fate

You were riding your motorcycle on 5th ave and saw me walking home. You pulled over and started talking to me mostly about yourself. Apparently you're really great and Italian and a music producer and develop brownstones and fly all over the world at will. You asked me my name and then, "are you in love?" to which I replied, "there are many kinds of love" (subtext: get the hell away from me) You were cute until you wouldn't shut up. The next day you called and texted leaving messages saying it was fate the way we met and it must mean something. But I kept wondering--while I wasn't responding--how it could have been fate when you went out of your way to pull over to the side of the road?? I finally told you that I got back together with my boyfriend, and THEN you wanted to get together to discuss our feelings and our relationships and how people can screw you over or some shit. If you see this, I lied...big time. 

Monday, January 4, 2010

You're Gonna "Have Something" for Me?

You and I both got off at the same bus stop in the Crown Hizzle. I have a slight cough and walking behind me, you said, "gotta do something about that coat." I thought it was a weird threat regarding my leather coat (cause one time at a mall my mom was threatened for fur and she didn't raise no fool) so I said, "what?" And you simply meant that I needed to get a bigger coat or some shennanigans cause I was coughing. You kept asking me questions as I continued walking several paces ahead of you, and I had to keep turning around to answer them. You asked my age, not appropriate to ask a lady, and finally I told you. After all the personal questions about my health, you ended with, "do you get high?" Um, no, and certainly not with you. What kind of non-sequitur was that?? Like, were we about to establish a dealer-buyer situation right then and there? Were we supposed to hang after that and get free pizza in Williamsburg? Was I supposed to guess your age until you relented and told me you were 45 (just guessing)? As a final farewell as I walked across the crosswalk you said, "next time I see you, I'm gonna have something for you...you know what I mean?" I shouted back, "I think I do." If you see this, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???? And what, WHAT, are you going to have for me???

Friday, January 1, 2010

You Told Me to Calm Down

My friends and I heard of the magical land that is Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg, tasty free pizza with every drink?!? When we went I admittedly had low expectations of said pizza, but the bartender was super stoked with us when we told him it was our first time, propz to him for being so fuggin delightful. My friends and I set a timer on our phones to countdown the 5 minutes until tastytown. When I went back to the kitchen area to retrieve my hard-drank pizza, I let out a squeal of girlish delight, and you, the chef, told me to calm down. I was getting a free personal pizza, and you told me to CALM DOWN. Are you telling me that every other night of the week, drunk people don't come into that bar and get super EXCITED to enjoy an amazing pizza (that I'm sorry I ever underestimated)? It was the most wonderful thing to happen in my mouth that week, and you should be so grateful to work around such delicacies. If you see this, let me know when you work next, I have a megaphone I'd like you to meet.