To David Blaine

I called you on the Fourth of July from some rando's phone in a bar who was trying to impress me with his contacts and ability to continuously buy rounds for me and my friends. Other than Bill Clinton, you were the next most interesting number in his phone. What the hell does that say about him? I gave you a ring to wish you well on our nation's birthday and 1. you didn't pick up, 2. you don't even have a personalized voicemail. Shouldn't you have a voicemail that says something like, "WHAT UP HO it's David Blaine. I'm standing in a cube of ice right now suspended above a pit of spikes waiting for my balls to fall off. If you want me to appear in a box at your child's next birthday party, dial this extension." If you see this, please call me back. I was the message that said, "I have questions about your magical abilities."